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September 2022 Carnival of Aros Round-Up
I hosted the Carnival of Aros for September 2022 with the topic „Back to School“. I received two submissions.
The first is Being aroace in school by Kai Krone, who would like the following text to accompany it:
Hey guys,
I know being on the aro or ace spectrum is difficult on our society, specifically in school. In the Powerpoint attached to this I talk a bit about my experiences with this, but don’t forget: While the frequent aro- and aphobia in real life is exausting, the sense of community and belonging in our circles on the Internet is just as strong, if not stronger!
So just have fun and enjoy the rest of your day!
The second is A Common Question by roboticanary, wherein they ask for advice on how to deal with one of the most common questions in aro education: „Am I aro?“
Thanks both for submitting.
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September 2022 Carnival of Aros: Call for Submissions – Back to School
It’s September and I am hosting the Carnival of Aros! It’s a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences.
The theme of this month’s carnival is „Back to School“. I’ve chosen this as my topic because of its seasonality and also because I’ve been working in a sector that’s not directly education, but closely related to it, for most of my adult life. My view of what constitutes „education“ or „learning“ and where it can take place is therefore quite broad – schools and universities are definitely not the only places where learning, teaching, and education happen!
Photo by Anton Sukhinov on Unsplash My view of the theme is: anything to do with learning/teaching and being on the aromantic spectrum. Here are some prompts:
- How did you learn about arospec identities? What was that experience like? Is there something you would like to change about how you and/or people you know learn about arospec identities and experiences? How would you like people to learn about arospec identities and experiences?
- Have you educated people about arospec identities or experiences? In what setting(s)? In your ideal world, what could education about arospec identities and experiences look like?
- How does being arospec interact with educational settings? as in, if you are or have been in the position of being someone who is learning, or studying, or teaching, at some form of educational institution, how does your identity factor into that?
- If you want to get creative: create some educational material of your own about an arospec topic! Make a zine, an infographic, write a song – any format is fine, as long as it can live on the internet somewhere.
Submissions will close on October 1, 2022, 23.59 UTC. I will post the round-up on October 2. To submit, either comment on this post, email me, or use the contact form on my About page.
Thank you all so much in advance. I can’t wait to see what you all come up with!
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Dear TAAAP: There Is No Such Thing As A Non-Queer Aspec Person
[ETA: This post has been discussed heavily in a comment thread on Siggy’s Pillowfort account. If you’re here because the Asexual Agenda or someone else linked you, please read that entire discussion before commenting. Please try not to make any points that were already made, and resolved, over there. I’m only one person and I’m mentally not doing great after that discussion. Thank you.]
You know… I’m old. I have lived through the AVEN Exodus of 2010, the Great Cupioromanticism Debate, and countless instances of ace groups being banned from queer/LGBTQIA+ spaces, especially Pride parades. I’ve fought for the inclusion of aspec people in queer spaces. Aspecs still have little to no legal protections anywhere in the world, and many aspec activists contend with this every day.
So, when a major ace* and aro* advocacy organisation publishes a piece in which it decides to conflate „this person doesn’t like to use the word ‚queer‘ to describe themselves, and/or doesn’t identify with or connect to the queer/LGBTQIA+ community in a meaningful way“ and „this person is not queer“… forgive me if that makes my hackles rise.
Full disclaimer: I had an interview with TAAAP scheduled for the day after aforementioned piece was published, to explore the possibility of working for them. Needless to say, I was so shocked by the piece that I cancelled. It’s been a month since then, but I still think about it quite a bit, so I wanted to dig into the problems with the piece and its approach.
What happened
First off: the piece, entitled „Non-Queer Aspecs“, was published as part of a series called „Aspec Voices“ and also as part of TAAAP’s posts during Pride Month 2022. The other pieces in the series during Pride Month were Aspec Sex Workers, Loveless Aspecs, and a four-part series on Straight or Hetero Aspecs (yes, during Pride Month; no, I don’t know either.). Other identities/topics in the series „Aspec Voices“ outside Pride Month include ace youth, aro youth, aro women, and aspecs and QPRs. The overall aim of the series appear to be to showcase marginalised and underserved parts of aspec communities.
To posit that there is a subgroup of aspec people who are not queer is troubling, to say the least. To then give this supposed subgroup of the aspec population the same legitimacy and platform as marginalised subgroups of the aspec population undermines the very mission of TAAAP as an organisation which is supposed to advocate for aspecs. In its own words, TAAAP’s goals are: to increase the visibility of ace and aro identities, to provide resources on asexuality and aromanticism to professionals (e.g. doctors, mental health professionals, educators), and to support ace and aro members of society.
I believe that, much as the four-part series on straight aspecs during Pride Month, the piece was, at best, misguided, and at worst, actively undermining towards advocacy efforts. I recognise that there are aspec people who do not identify as queer in the sense that they don’t use the word „queer“ to self-describe and/or don’t connect to or identify with the queer/LGBTQIA+ community. This is a valid perspective that deserves to be heard and shared. However, I also believe that these feelings stem from several reasons and that none of which are that the person in question is not queer.
And, funnily enough, if you look at the answers in detail, even though TAAAP phrased the question in a way that conflated not being queer with not using the term „queer“ to self-describe and not connecting to/identifying with the queer/LGBTQIA+ community, not a single answer is actually about not being queer.
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Round-Up: April 2022 Carnival of Aros, „Self-Care/Self-Love“
I hosted the April 2022 Carnival of Aros on the theme „Self-Care/Self-Love“. There were a few submissions!
Self-Care One Year On, by roboticanary. roboticanary points out that there was a carnival of aros on the topic of self-love, self-care, and aromanticism exactly one year ago and uses the post to reflect back on what he wrote then and how it differs from how he thinks about these concepts now.
But I Don’t Value Myself Any Less, by sildarmillion. This post is a reflection on the idea of romance and dating as transactional activities. sildarmillion goes on to talk about how her refusal to market themselves on the dating market or the marriage market are forms of self-love to her.
Self Love and Self Care, by EldenInger. This is a story that turns the hanahaki disease trope on its head in a way that relates to self-love.
Self Love and Self Care Are Needs, by Mundo Heterogéneo. This short post explains that self-love and self-care are essential for those who are non-partnering, and that they are forced to be autonomous in a society built against their needs.
Self-Care Is Complicated, by arobydesign. A meditation on chronic pain, the link between self-love and self-care, the difference between self-love and self-acceptance, and why self-care is a radical concept.
Thanks everyone for submitting!
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Self-Care is Complicated
[This post is a contribution to the April 2022 Carnival of Aros, hosted by me, on the topic „Self-Love/Self-Care“.]
The concept of self-care, notwithstanding the use of „self-care“ as a buzzword to sell beauty products to middle-class white folks, has radical roots in Black liberation and activism. In putting together my entry for this month’s carnival, I asked myself: how do I practice self-care and is it compatible with the radical history of the concept?
Historically, I have been awful at self-care. I endured eight years of extreme „chronic“ pain and worked throughout, let down by the medical system which was never inclined to help me figure out what was wrong and at least give me the time to do so (no one ever signed me off for my pain in the entire eight years, no investigations were ever performed, no treatment was ever offered). Advocating for yourself is nigh on impossible if you are constantly in pain and fatigued and if you have, as I do, internalised the mantra that whatever bad things happen to you are all your own fault. But it’s a part of self-care that is overlooked too often, because it’s about getting access to care – in my case, medical care – that is going to be helpful.
Self-care is also not always easy. Sometimes it is necessary, for example, to leave a job to take care of your health, but not having a job is also stressful and the systems that are designed to help you in these kinds of situations are not always able to adequately do what they are supposed to do.
This is all a long-winded way of saying that self-care, for me, is less about bubble baths and face masks, but about doing the hard work of radically prioritising your wellbeing. But the deck is often stacked against you if your socioeconomic position doesn’t allow you to do just that. Self-care can also be hard. Paying the bills, organising your taxes, cooking, doing the admin work of organising free time are all parts of self-care. If you have executive function disorders, they can be very hard to do.
As an aromantic with trauma history, I often feel like I have to „earn“ nice things. Through work, through pain, through suffering, through being denied or self-denial. I feel that nice things are not something that the world owes us, especially not something that the world owes a person like me, who doesn’t fit any of the narratives about how a person should be.
So, for me, self-care and self-love are inextricably linked. I can only do things for myself that are necessary for and conducive to my well-being if I love myself – or, at least, care about myself enough to concede that I deserve to have those things (done). One trick I used to use a lot is to imagine that the person who is struggling with the thing I am struggling with is a good friend, and imagine what I would say to them or advise them to do. It works when I think that everyone else deserves nice things, but not me – but it also reinforces that thought pattern.
And, love and acceptance are not the same. I thought that I had to accept my chronic pain, but it turns out that isn’t true. That’s not something I can really unpack just yet, but at some point I’ll do a post about the rhetoric of acceptance and how it can be oppressive.
This was a bit disorganised but I think the gist of it is: self-care and self-love are necessary. They’re not indulgent or selfish, they’re crucial for us if we want to be able to function.
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Asexual-Spectrum Book Recs for #InternationalAceDay 2022
It’s International Ace Day! As you may know, if you’ve read my blog, I don’t identify as ace nearly as much as I identify as aro. But I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum – if pressed for a microlabel, grey-asexual would be where I place myself at this point. Nevertheless, the ace community is dear to my heart since it was my gateway to figuring out my identity, to questioning societal norms of sex and romance, and to amazing queer literature! So, for International Ace Day this year, I would like to recommend some of my favourite books with characters on the asexual spectrum, including demisexual and grey(a)sexual characters. All books on my list, except for Protector of the Small, are by authors who identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum. They are also all books that I have read and where I was hapy with the way that asexuality was portrayed.
Underneath this list, I will also post my personal anti-recommendations. These are books that I see recommended a lot in lists with books with asexual characters, but where I think there are problems with the representation. I will give a reason as to what I think these problems are.
Before I dive into the lists, I wanted to give a shout-out to Claudie Arseneault and nyphren, who maintain the Database of Aromantic and Asexual Spectrum Characters in Prose Fiction. My work as an aspec community organiser would not be possible without theirs.
IInternational Ace Day 2022 Book recs -
April 2022 Carnival of Aros: Call for Submissions – Self-Love and Self-Care
It’s April and I am hosting the Carnival of Aros! It’s a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences.
The theme of this month’s Carnival of Aros is “Self-Love and Self-Care”.
First, on self-care:
Self-care has been a buzzword for the last couple of years. It’s being used heavily to sell beauty products and spa breaks, which neglects the radical origins of the term as an act of resistance especially from folks who are seen as not deserving of care. The term was coined in the 1950s and spread by civil rights organisations such as the Black Panthers, the core concept being „if you want to take care of your community/organise/be an activist, you need to take care of yourself first“.
Here are some prompts to get you started:
- How do you take care of yourself? Why do you take care of yourself? What does self-care allow you to do?
- Does self-care play a part in the aro community, whether globally or in your local aro community? How?
- How do self-care and community action/community care interact for you?
- Is self-care different for you as an arospec person?
- Does/can/should the aro community as a whole do something to encourage arospecs to self-care?
Second, on self-love:
Self-love could be a fraught concept for arospec people, especially those who identify as loveless or otherwise relate to the concept of love differently from the societal mainstream. But it could also be seen as empowering, even radical, to love someone or something that society deems unloveable.
- How do you relate to the concept of self-love?
- How does your relationship to self-love affect your relationship to other love-related concepts?
- Do you think self-love is a useful concept?
I’ll accept submissions until May 1, 23.59 GMT. I’ll publish the round-up on May 2.
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Round-Up: March 2022 Gender Exploration Carnival, „Transformation/Transition“
I hosted the March 2022 Gender Exploration Carnival on the topic „Transformation/Transition“. There were three submissions:
Transformation of Thought by sildarmillion. This post is about how sildarmillion related to the commonly reported experience of aroace bloggers that thinking about asexuality leads to questioning how they relate to their romantic orientation and their gender identity. sildarmillion says they have not had any revelations about their own gender, but thinking about social constructs such as amatonormativity, erotonormativity and the like, has affected how they think about and relate to the entire concept of gender.
a step in the right direction by anacedragon. They talk about coming into the realisation that they wanted to transition medically and about being in a transitional phase in their life during the process of starting medical transition.
Transforming into normalcy by arobydesign. I wrote about the mental work that went into acknowledging my queer identities as „normal“ and why that was difficult but necessary.
Thanks everyone who submitted!
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Transforming into Normalcy
[This post is a contribution to the March 2022 Gender Exploration Carnival, hosted by me, on the topic „Transformation/Transition“.]
It has taken me a long time to work out my own sexual and romantic identity and how I relate to concepts like sexual and romantic orientation and gender identity. A large part of why this took so long was the intense pressure put on me to be „normal“ by my family, who used me to compensate for a disabled sibling’s shortcomings. Coming into my aro and genderqueer identities was very fraught because of this – because it wasn’t just about leaving the beaten heterosexual path; it was also about having let me family down by having failed at being „normal“. For a long time, I thought I would never be able to find a partner or even friends because I didn’t even see my relationships with other „not-normal“ people as valid. The end goal that I strove towards was always having a „normal“ partner and a „normal“ life and I got frustrated and stressed because in order to maintain these relationships (which I did try to have!), I had to act „normal“. Being in a relationship, for me, at that time, wasn’t about the nebulous concept of „being myself“ that is so often invoked when people talk about romantic relationships – it was about the complete opposite, acting least like myself in order to be worthy of „normal“ relationships, „normal“ love, and a „normal“ life.
This went about as well as you could expect. I spent most of my twenties miserable about how I couldn’t hack it, and had the mental health issues to prove it. How I got from there to here was not a linear process, but I’ll try to compress it into something with some semblance of linearity for the sake of this post.
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Aromantic Stability
[This post is a contribution to the March 2022 Carnival of Aros, hosted by roboticanary on the topic „Stability“.]
Stability is an interesting concept for me to think about since I am currently undergoing what I would call a transformative period, where very little about me, my relationships, and my general living conditions feels stable and while that’s stressful, it is also good because it signifies the end of an era that was, in many respects, very stable, but was so at the expense of quality of life in many respects. Which is ironic, because stability implies safety for many people, but what I was doing was not safe or sustainable, and it’s good that it’s finished. In a way, the flux that things are in has led me to really appreciate things like structure, predictability and order, rather than the more nebulous idea of „stability“, which is interesting. It has also forced me to create many of my own systems and routines, to create structures that lay the *foundation* for something stable, and it’s been lovely seeing that crystallise.
I often think about what it’s like to create stability as an aromantic person. As far as personal relationships go, I have friendships and even some relationships that feel more like QPRs that feel very stable and that mean a lot to me, but I know they will likely stop meaning as much to the other person once that person finds a romantic partner. I’m tired of doing this and I would like to meet other aro people to have that amazing close friendship with that I crave, and build community. I don’t think I’ll ever move in with someone – I’m too used to my own space at this point in my life – but having people (plural!) close by who I have emotional ties to and who can help out in a crisis would be really nice. I’ve recently moved internationally during a pandemic, so in many ways I have set the clock back on myself as far as finding a proper friend group goes. I am also of an age where most people in my age group have children and are therefore less socially available. I’m certain there are people out here who I can connect to, but the pandemic makes all that difficult to envision.
Most of the last ten years of my life has been focussed on creating financial stability. It’s likely that I won’t inherit anything or draw a pension, and as an aro whose relationship style is close to solo polyamory, I can’t rely on finding a partner who can help with the financial side of things. I would like to be able to buy property within the next five years – I feel that would be a great stabiliser. Other things have to be in place for this to happen though, such as a permanent job and living somewhere that’s affordable.
I am somewhat frustrated by this, because what I really want in my utopian little aro heart is a world where people aren’t so driven by this need to create financial/economic stability and have to spend most of their lives working towards something they only really get to enjoy after retirement. I would love to have the guts to live in an alternative community somewhere, but my socialisation and the experience of me being the only one who ever looked out for me means that I don’t trust this kind of arrangement in a way to actually do it.
So, do I have anything groundbreaking to say about stability? Probably not. Just that things can be very stable without being sustainable or safe, and that things can be in flux but actually feel really secure. Which sounds like a philosophical paradox but is grounded in my experience.
Aro By Design
Essays about human relationships with a focus on aromanticism and asexuality.
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